Look, we like a human penis as much as the next person (who likes a human penis). But if you're craving something a little/a lot different, you can always take on something not-at-all realistic: Monster Dong's The Vampire!

This thick, curvy penetrator is sleek up top with some fascinating otherworldly detailing (bats!) and tons of texture below. You can bump and grind it all the way to the wide, butt-safe bottom, or go with just the tip. Either way (and others, too), you can play hands-free thanks to the powerful suction cup base.

The flexible, squeezable liquid silicone The Vampire is body-safe, extra easy to clean and care for, and good to go with any water-based lube you love. Please keep it away from silicone-based lubes and store it away from other silicone toys.